Sex and the Diaspora

Workplace Romance: The Sweetest Taboo

By Renee B.

It's right there in plain English in your employee handbook: "Employees must not fraternize with co-workers while on duty." Some handbooks even shake a finger at fraternizing off duty as well. It's a funny term, fraternize. It basically puts a bowtie on the concept of grabassing in the copy room, instant messaging suggestive ideas to someone two cubicles over at 10 in the morning, and getting plastered at the Christmas party and waking up the next morning in the bed of the girl from accounting. Despite these instructions being stuffy and impersonal, ten times out of nine, they end up being prophetic. There are only a handful of successful love stories that began in the workplace, compared to the countless office affairs that have gone horribly awry. We're well aware of the bag of tricks that workplace romances have to offer, but God help us, sometimes we simply cannot resist. Why?

Here's how it generally plays out: boy meets girl in the office (office being a generic reference to any workplace). Sparks may or may not fly in the beginning, but after working alongside each other day and day out, that mole on boy's face doesn't seem so distracting after time; girl's slight weight problem becomes tolerable. In discussing their contempt for the boss over a big project, conversation leads them to discover that they have much in common. Boy and girl begin to share private laughs, exchange glances in the break room. One day boy gives girl a ride home from work and things become...awkward. Soon after, boy and girl fornicate, then after swearing that it will never happen again, it happens again. And again. And yet again, until either boy or girl loses interest or becomes jealous after suspecting the other of fraternizing with yet another colleague. Then things become ugly...

A workplace romance gone wrong is about as desirable as a dead horse in your swimming pool. The stress of deadlines, the boss, and incessant tech problems are now heightened by the tension of a lover scorned. Work typically isn't fun in the first place, now the two lovers must attempt to avoid each other in a condensed space where that's probably not possible, as well as try not to make the beef so obvious to the rest of the office. And if you think that the rest of the office doesn't know about this affair, think again. The knowledge of this inappropriate relationship may as well have been sent out in an office memo, as everyone is always looking for gossip to distract them from the gig they despise so much. And what better gossip can there be than juicy details surrounding two co-workers up to something naughty in the copy room? Congratulations. You have now violated the employee code, created an enemy who happens to be on your sales team, and designated your woes as the hot topic by the water cooler.

Workplace romance can happen to the least suspecting employee. Plenty of mature and professional individuals have found themselves in a compromising situation with a co-worker, without ever having expected to open that can of worms. One can memorize the employee handbook backwards and forwards and win the sales competition every month, but neither will save him or her from the human condition. People get lonely. People have physical needs that must be met in order to maintain their sanity. And truth be told, the office place romance is just about as convenient as it gets. Awkward first dates or extended courting periods can be skipped over because co-workers can come to know practically everything about each other during the 40+ hours they spend together in a week. For that matter, who has time to meet people while working 40+ hours a week? For something that frequently ends so badly, workplace romances almost seem inevitable.

So how does one avoid finding themself in a lustful, secretive relationship with a colleague? The same way any bad situation can be avoided: prudence. Experience is the best teacher, and once you've been down that path of having to work with someone you loathe for very personal reasons, you probably won't be inclined to take that risk again. Fortunately, with age we gain a better understanding of ourselves and with that, a better understanding of what and who we want. After time, we find that a relatively attractive person that you've simply grown used to as a result of working with them just isn't sufficient on the love side of things. Be that as it may, some folks will simply continue to touch that hot stove over and over. Maybe they're drawn to the excitement, to the novelty. But for you stove-touchers out there with your eye on Angie from Human Resources, beware. That stove will burn you. And everyone in the office will smell it.

(Renee B. is a is a contributor to Island Vibes Magazine and writes about social issues and sexuality, from her perspective. For comments, please feel free to contact her at renee@islandvibesmag.com.)